We don’t mean to be dramatic or anything but it’s been about 32 weeks since our last payday and the month isn’t even over yet. We’ve had it.
We think we speak for everybody when we say that this adulting lark isn’t for us. If you’re like us and end up in the same position each month, you’ll understand the struggle.
1. You start trying to sell everything you own
Who even needs an oven? Can you flog a kidney on eBay?
2. Only ordering tap water at your mate’s birthday meal
How dare they be born at the end of the month. So selfish.
3. Frantically typing “medical trials Liverpool” into Google
On second thoughts, you might need that kidney back.
4. You’ve become at least 60% Koka Noodle
Our Lord and Saviour.
5. You’ll take anything Pound Bakery is offering
They’re all out of sausage rolls and you’re not sure if an iced bun will keep you going ‘til tomorrow but you’ll damn well try.
What! they have chicken nuggets now – game changer.
6. Contactless payments are sacred currency
Those 3 days before payday are specially reserved for denial and acting like all those transactions aren’t gonna hit you like a ton of bricks.
7. Your weekend plans have changed considerably
They currently consist of having deep chats with the cat, pretending Ribena is wine and creepily watching other people live their best lives on Instagram.
8. You start getting the 82 to work instead of an Alpha
At this point, you’re also considering walking to work. You could do with a pleasant 7-mile stroll at 5 in the morning. Oh, it’s raining? Well, you can’t afford hot water right now anyway. Count your blessings.
9. You’re considering selling your life story to Take a Break
Get those creative juices flowing and convince them your fella cheated on you with your Henry Hoover. Worth a shot.
10. The prospect of spending the week at your Ma’s seems more appealing than ever
Free breakfasts, lunches and hot dinners. There’s even toilet roll! Love you mum. See you this time next month.
It’s free, isn’t it?
12. You’ve found a new passion for cooking. Sort of.
Go on Gordon, hit ‘em with the delicious spaghetti hoop and instant-mash-you-found-at-the-back-of-the-cupboard combo. The dregs of those frozen peas would pair beautifully with that single can of tuna, wouldn’t they?
Bean and rice cake surprise? *chef’s kiss*
13. Convincing yourself you’ve been a victim of fraud
Is it possible to rob yourself?
14. …only to remember buying everyone a round in Alma de Cuba
Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times – blame it on the petal drop.
15. You’ve forgotten – again – what direct debits are
You had some money. Now you don’t. What kind of sorcery is this?
16. Checking all your coat pockets for loose change
Now comes the challenge of paying for things with coppers and 5p’s at the self-checkout. Nobody should wait 5 minutes for you to pay for a bag of Wotsits.
17. Supergluing your acrylics back on until you can afford infills
Little fingernail hanging on by a thread? Have no fear! Just try not to stick your hands together. We love a DIY queen!
18. Telling yourself it’s going to be different next month
You’ve created a colour coded spreadsheet and everything. That budget won’t know what’s hit it.
19. Then treating yo’self to a new wardrobe from Zara the next day
Wait. Rent is still a thing?
20. Your lunch is now a concoction of whatever’s in the back of your cupboards
Chicken cup-a-soup with a side of kidney beans and some moody looking biscuits for lunch anyone? No, I didn’t think so.
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21. You’ve started to try and outdo your mates in terms of brokeness
“You’ll never guess what, I’m £300 into my overdraft and I owe me ma a tenner until payday.”
“Oh is that it, I’ve only got £4.68 to last me 19 days, I’m auctioning my kidney on eBay and I’m featuring in the next episode of Can’t Pay? Take It Away!”
22. You’ve been dreaming about what you’re going to do when payday comes
You’re gonna leave the house, you’re gonna go to the pictures and not smuggle in your own sweets, you’re gonna stop bunking on the bus – you’re gonna do everything! For a week or two at least.
23. Forget about lunch, teatime has now become a game of freezer roulette
What’s in that mysterious looking bag poking out through the ice in your freezer? Whatever it is, we’re sure it’ll be delicious.
24. You’ve even resorted to stamping the date on your own bus pass
That’s right, things have got that bad that you’ve went to the trouble of changing that 7 to a dubious looking 8 on your bus pass with a sharpie.
You now feel like a criminal and you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll pay the bus driver back come payday. But trust us, you won’t.
25. Cabin fever is a real thing
Can you name every guest who’s been on The One Show for the past two weeks in alphabetical order? No, I didn’t think so.
26. That dubious looking vodka from Kazakhstan is starting to look appealing
What does ‘vodka al freskuese’ mean? how long has this been here for? Can vodka go stale? These are the questions you’ll be googling before turning to your mate and saying: “how bad can it be?
27. And what makes it worse is that you boomeranged yourself drinking it
Don’t panic, vodka from Kazakhstan looks just like pink gin.
You did it!
By some means – God knows how – we seem to have made it to the end of the month. And, we’re still alive!
As payday approaches, why don’t you head over to our booking page here, and organise a fabulous stay with Signature Living. From gorgeous group accommodation to romantic weekends away, contact our team today on 0151 236 0166 or email firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll help find the perfect room just for you.